overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
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Me trying to look natural in photos
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.