No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
where do you see yourself in five years?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.