“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
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Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.