Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?