Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Brilliant!
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life