Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
want me to check your oil?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
All set.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.