All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy