Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I would like even faster food.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick