Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish