Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.