Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
You Might Also Like
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.