Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
You Might Also Like
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.