I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.