Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me