Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m listening
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password