Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You Might Also Like
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I need better friends
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money