Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I have a new favorite meme page
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
#StillHurts