ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Covid like
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..