I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
a badder mouse
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.