Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
No, I would NEVER put you on mute