Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics