when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks