My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?