Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
You Might Also Like
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”