“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.