[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
S M O L
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.