I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.