My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I might carry a baby with one hand.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children