[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
A ghost story
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.