Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
You Might Also Like
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My wife gives the best headache.