that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it