*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7