Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Thinking about Jeff
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.