I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
💁🏻♂️
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself