How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
it is time once again
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall