One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing