I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The news in a nutshell.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!