Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners