mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Chicago sounds lovely.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter