One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
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Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Anime is real
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream