boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’m listening
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?