Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
me irl
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.