I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?