Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I am yelling
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.