“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You Might Also Like
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.