“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
You Might Also Like
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Anyone really
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
They must have gotten it to go.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read