tinder is all about the long game
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Ferrari squats
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.