hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child