Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*