While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*